November 13, 2014 – I asked the group their thoughts today on whether or not we should consider an invitation by the network to star in our own reality TV show. The announcement was met with mixed reviews which included a couple of high fives and a peck to the back of my neck. After a spirited discussion, we agreed to shelve the idea until we are pressured by the studio to give a definitive answer. We didn’t have to wait long to hear from them again. A production assistant named Rachael, called to run a few preliminary questions by us. I explained to Rachael that we hadn’t yet committed to the project. She seemed fine with this and explained that her part was simply to gauge where each of us fell within an intellectual, interesting-personality chart. It sounded intriguing!
“It’ll be fun!” she claimed. “There’s no commitment, and I’m fairly sure that I can get each of you a t-shirt with the network logo just for being good sports today.”
We took a quick vote and agreed that since there was no binding agreement to concern ourselves with, it wouldn’t hurt to spend a few minutes answering Rachael’s questions.
One by one, we lined up to take our turn speaking into the cellphone that I had propped against a tree stump. We put Rachael on speaker.
“Okay, everyone,” she instructed. “Don’t think too hard about these questions. Just give me the first answer that comes to mind. Ready?”
We answered in unison. Then Wilma, as is her privilege by virtue of her age, stepped forward to accept the first inquiry.
“Wilma… here’s a little quiz. What does the word, “varicose” mean?”
“That’s easy,” Wilma smirked. “It means nearby.”
“Peaches… If you lived next to a river that was overflowing at its banks, what might you do to stop the flooding?”
Peaches tilted her head thoughtfully before answering, “I would place a couple of big dames in the river to block the water.”
“Charlotte… what is a “fibula”?”
Lottie leaned closer to the screen and replied, “A little lie”.
I thought I could hear Rachael stifle a laugh, but in my opinion, we were doing a smashing job! The production assistant went on to ask us about our brewery business and about the other animals in our home… the ducks, the dogs, the kitten and that other whiskered creature. But I wasn’t at all prepared when she asked me the following.
“Happy… finish this question. Sugar Plum the cat earns money at home by…”
“By doing nothing!” I blurted. “She’s a freeloader!”
In retrospect, I shouldn’t have spoken badly about the feline even though what I said is true. It’s not appropriate to air your family’s dirty laundry in public. Rachael didn’t seem put off at all by my statement. She was busy scratching notes and saying things like, “great stuff, guys! I am so getting a promotion out of this!”
The questioning went on for hours! By the end, we had lost interest. Most of us wandered off to hunt for bugs and pull dried pine shavings from our fluffy parts. Emaline laid an egg. She hasn’t done that in six months! The ducks sauntered by and when they heard Rachael’s voice droning on from the tree stump, they tried to eat the phone. They spit her out somewhere behind the smelly bush. For all I know, she’s facing the ground asking a night crawler what it’s like to be a worm.
I still don’t know if we’ll end up doing the television show, but that’s alright. I’m going to take each new day as it comes. And I hope I’ll be doing so in MY BRAND NEW NETWORK T-SHIRT!!