December 16, 2014 – I opened the newspaper this morning and let out a gasp.
“Sawyer! You’ve got to see this!” I called to my best friend.
She appeared at my shoulder and read the headline out loud.
WOMAN ON FLIGHT TO PARAGUAY ASSAULTS PASSENGER WITH PET HEN.
“You don’t think… Eunice?” she asked in disbelief.
“It would be an incredible coincidence if it wasn’t her,” I replied.
“Go ahead,” she said tapping me on the shoulder. “Read what the article says.”
I relayed word for word what was written in the 2-paragraph news alert.
“An inflight ruckus erupted during an overnight flight to South America, when a middle-aged passenger in seat 19-d, took matters into her own hands. According to eyewitnesses, it all began when the tall, stern-looking woman in glasses overheard the gentleman in the middle seat speaking softly to an animal inside the pet carrier he was holding. The woman allegedly inquired as to what breed of dog it was. Witnesses say that the gentleman then politely corrected the woman and explained that in the travel carrier was his therapy chicken, a bantam cochin named, Milkshake. The pet hen travels with the man, a retired pharmacist, to help ease the debilitating effects of his flying phobia. Reacting to the revelation, the woman reportedly rose from her seat, stood boldly in the aisle and began a lengthy, fist-balled tirade loud enough for all to hear, about the disgusting nature of poultry.”
“My word!!” Sawyer exclaimed, raising her wing to her chest.
“The article goes on to say that the woman, identified as Eunice Ignatia Tightklutcher of New Hampshire…” I lowered the paper. “I never knew her full name. It fits.”
Sawyer nodded in agreement.
“…That Eunice Ignatia Tightklutcher, then leaned into the personal space of the man holding the chicken carrier and began to bawk loudly in his face while flapping her arms madly in the air. This upset the man so greatly that he fainted dead away. He was then resuscitated by a bovine veterinarian occupying the window seat. The cow doctor grabbed the man by the face and began to feverishly blow successive puffs of air into his nostrils. When the gentleman came to, he was reportedly in a much better mood.
Ms. Tightklutcher was remanded into custody for the remainder of the flight. Upon landing, she was then taken to an undisclosed location at the airport in Asunción, to be interviewed by customs officials. Unidentified sources say, that Eunice Tightklutcher will most likely be deported and put back on a flight to New Hampshire within the next 24 hours. There was no comment from the chicken.”
I folded the newspaper and looked at Sawyer.
“She’s coming back?!” she cried in horror.
I had no words. So I did the only thing I could think of. I sang.
“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my tulip sent to me, a Tightklutcher in a Eunice tree!”